So Your Cyclist Boyfriend Crashed. Congratulations, You’re Part of the Recovery Team Now!
I’ve said it before: Nobody prepares you for dating a cyclist.
You expect early alarms, Sunday Mornings alone at home, and hearing the phrase “It’s an investment” every time another suspiciously identical black bike part arrives at your front door.
What you don’t expect is becoming an amateur emergency room nurse, insurance claims adjuster , therapist, and bike claims assessor.
When my boyfriend crashed, I learned that there are actually three victims:
- The cyclist.
- The bike.
- Our / his bank account.
Rule #1: “I’ve Had a Little Crash” Means Absolutely Nothing.
This sentence can mean anything from:
“I dropped my chain at the traffic light.”
to
“Please meet me at the emergency room.”
Cyclists are apparently physically incapable of accurately describing a crash.
Rule #2: Assess the Rider…
Check for:
- Broken bones.
- Bleeding.
- Concussion.
- Can he move everything?
- Does he remember his own name?
And most importantly:
- Does he remember my name?
Excellent.
Now you’re ready for the next assessment.
Rule #3: Prepare for the Real Medical Emergency
“How’s the bike?”
It’s coming. Before the stitches.
Before the painkillers.
Before he’s even stood up.
“The bike should be okay…”
Spoiler Alert: It isn’t.
The Official Bike Damage Cost Calculator
A scratched shifter: €300.
A cracked carbon wheel: €1.000 - 1.500
Broken derailleur: €300 - 700.
Destroyed helmet: €200 - 400.
Torn bib shorts: €250.
New handle bar tape because the old one touched the ground: €50.
The mechanic saying,
“While we’re here, we might as well replace…”
Expensive.
The cyclist boyfriend saying,
„Since I‘ve crashed, I might as well buy an entire new bike…“
Priceless.
(Actually… probably another €8.000 - €10.000)
Rule #4: Never Ask, “Can They Just Fix It?”
Apparently not.
Carbon doesn’t “buff out.”
Deep scratches are “structural concerns“.
The wheel is “probably compromised.”
The handlebars “might have invisible damage.”
Basically, if a carbon bike falls over too aggressively, someone somewhere recommends replacing half, mostly all of it.
Rule #5: Prepare for the Insurance Olympics
You’ll suddenly become an expert in:
- Driver statements.
- Police reports.
- Medical reports.
- Photos from seventeen different angles of wheels, frame, helmet etc.
- Receipts dating back to 2022.
- Explaining why a bike costs more than a perfectly acceptable used car.
The insurance adjuster will ask why the wheels cost €1.800
Your boyfriend will calmly explain to you that they were actually a steal deal, and that all of the bike parts are actually very much necessary.
Rule #6: Expect Emotional Damage
The cuts heal. (Scars remain)
The bruises fade.
The road rash eventually stops sticking to the bedsheets.
But every time he heads out for another ride, you’ll check your phone just a little more often.
He’ll tell you it’s “just an easy spin.”
You’ll know this translates to four hours, 100 km, and climbing enough elevation to qualify as a mountain stage in the Giro.
Final Thoughts
Would life be simpler if he’d taken up a much more chill hobby, like golf?
Probably.
Would we have significantly more spendable income?
Definitely.
Would I know what a derailleur hanger is?
Absolutely not.
But despite the crashes, the endless chain lube on every possible surface of the house, and the fact that I now know the retail price of carbon wheels better than jewelry…
I’d (probably) still choose the cyclist, I guess.
I just wish dating one came with roadside assistance, a first-aid course, and a dedicated savings account labelled:
“Emergency Crash Fund“
